Thursday, March 29, 2007

Things I Learned From Christian Comics: Archie's Datebook

Hello everyone. Cynic Sage here starting off my new blog. And what better way to do so than with a series I like to call Things I Learned From Christian Comics.

First up is a rare treasure of my childhood. The "Christian-Archie" comic known as "Archie's Datebook" drawn and written by Al Hartley, a comic-book artist who, when the Holy Spirit convicted him, realized that drawing boobies was wrong, that he should repent of his sin and use his talents in a way that would bring glory to God by highjacking other people's characters to use in poorly written religious propoganda.

Let's get started, shall we?

  • Archie lies.
  • Dilton Doiley invented the internet.
  • On what he originally intended it for, we can only speculate.
  • When Archie wants help in his love life, he breaks the fourth-wall. He does this because he knows that the best people to get relationship advice from are those who have not yet hit puberty.
  • Books written in a time and culture where pre-arranged marriages were the norm are also a great source of dating-advice.
  • Archie and the gang will occasionally travel to the sleaziest part of town for the sole purpose of frowning in the direction of an adult movie theatre.
  • There are people out there that are turned-on sexually by the thought of hiring lawyers, dividing estates, and making alimony payments, and that’s were divorce-fetish pornography finds it’s market niche.
  • Archie needs to wear a shirt that reminds people where his face is.
  • Watching the sun rise with your backs to each other is wrong wrong wrong! YOU FACE IN THE SAME DIRECTION THE WAY GOD INTENDED!
  • Betty and Archie's dates are never x-rated, although you will notice plenty of subtext if you look for it.
  • There's nothing wrong with the occasional bible-study sex-romp, but heaven forbid the woman doesn't pay for her meal.


Jr. said...

Oh, my.
Whoever the artist to this was did a great job of not filling his photos with innuendo.

Kurt Kaletka said...

Man alive, I remember those Christian comics. I was still impressionable when they came out, and was getting into Chick tracts. I wanted to get these comics, but I never asked my mom to buy them because I felt that asking for them would only make it harder to complain about going to church.

Thanks for this weird tour of a dark, forgotten corner of our culture!