Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Judging Books by Their Covers.

Ah, Christian bookstores. Some guys jam rusty nails up their urethras to give themselves a sick and twisted sense of pleasure. Me, I browse these cesspools of vacuous evangelical culture for similar reasons. That, and to check out the occasional Pillar cd.

We often hear the expression "never judge a book by its cover". Well, what do you think it's there for. I now present you with Cynic Sage's "Judging Books by Their Covers",

First up, Roll Away Your Stone by Dutch Sheets.

What price would you pay to remove the barriers that hold you back in life? The wonderful news is that it's already been done and the tab's already been paid. In Roll Away Your Stone, Dutch Sheets reveals life-changing biblical truths about who you are in Christ and how to become the person God made you to be. But this is more than a book about your identity in Christ---it is an action plan to conquer the lies that keep you defeated and to walk into a newfound freedom you have never known. It's not about who you think you are---it's about understanding and possessing the truth of who you really are in God's eyes.

In this work that Sheets calls his "life message," you're given sound, doable tools for looking at God, His provisions, and the principles He has established that enable you to walk in true freedom. Whatever habits or failures or strongholds keep you from realizing your identity in Christ, you can put them behind you and experience freedom. It's time to Roll Away Your Stone.

Wow! And here I was completely unaware that the Christian Gospel taught Lord Jesus Christ's death and resurrection was to "remove the barriers" that "hold you back in life". All this time I thought the Apostles taught that it had something to do with... I dunno... atonement, redemption, propitiation of divine wrath, forgiveness of sins and the gift of eternal life... you know, stuff like that.

And "Dutch Sheets"? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the term used to describe the act of letting out a huge fart while in bed with your partner, then proceeding to cover his/her face with the blankets? I bet his "life message" has something to do with his close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ helping him forgive his parents for naming him while they were stoned out of their gourds.

Beth Moore's Get Out of That Pit:

Beth Moore wants readers to know if God could lift her out of the pit, He can get ANYONE out! She admits she wasn't just a visitor; this former pit-dweller had to be delivered from acres of life-accumulated dirt, bone-chilling darkness, spirit-deadening anger, heart-breaking desperation and mind-numbing confusion. The permanent lessons she learned in her desperation - shared in this very personal book - are lessons of hope for all of us. While she deeply empathizes with the hows and whys of life in the "pit," she continually points readers to the deliverance that awaits. Deliverance is for everyone, she proclaims - no matter how you got stuck, no matter how long you've been down, whether you think you deserve it or not. And in her straight-talking but loving style, she reminds readers that deliverance can begin for them this very day.
"She wasn't just a visitor"? Who the heck visits a pit?!

Breeder: Okay kids, I want you all to be packed and ready for friday, because we're headed over to Auntie Beth's pit for thanksgiving weekend.
Walking Pro Choice Argument#1: Oh boy! I hope she shows us some of those eyeless fish again.
Walking Pro Choice Argument#2: I'm gonna ask her if I can have some of her bat-guano collection to bring back for show and tell.

However, Beth's journey from her deep dark pit is an inspiration to us all. How God used something as simple as a Hobbit stealing her magic ring to start her on her journey of spiritual growth, and how he gave her strength when she was captured and tortured by the orcs of Mordor until she was able to escape.

Watch the shelves for her next book: Get out of that Lava.

But that's not all:

Beth Moore Presents: Songs of Deliverance is the companion CD to Beth's inspiring new book "Get Out of That Pit - Straight Talk About God's Deliverance." Amy Grant, Steven Curtis Chapman, CeCe Winans and Living Proof Ministries' Travis Cottrell lead an all-star cast of Christian recording artists singing their own stories of deliverance that echo the themes of the book. The album also features brand new recordings from Sara Groves and Mandisa.

No, it's not the soundtrack to the major motion picture. Although, listening to some of the sample tracks off that website made me feel as if I were canoeing down a beautiful river, basking in the beauty of God's creation. Then after the track stopped buffering and started to play, it felt like I was handcuffed to a tree and having my ears sodomized by popular CCM artists.

And, for the children, the Shiny Touchy Smelly Creation Story by Joanna Bicknell:

Even if your preschoolers can't read yet, they'll enjoy the scratch-and-sniff and touch-and-feel interactive elements of this imaginative book! As little ones learn about the seven days of creation, they'll be captivated by eye-catching shiny foil and photography of God's world. It's unique and fun! Recommended for ages 3 and up.

Now I can understand the "shiny" and "touchy", but "smelly"? I mean, once you get past the flowers and fruit trees and summer breezes and whatnot, you enter rather malodorous territory. I mean, even young-earth creationists believe that the majority if not all of God's creatures were able to at least shit before the fall. It's also good to mention that the "eye-catching shiny foil" in this book is by far the most scholarly argument for young-earth creationism I have ever seen.

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