Thursday, April 12, 2007

Even Rocky had a montage...

I originally wanted to post this during the Easter weekend, but I got caught up with my previous post fighting racial hate and intolerance by satirizing a white-supremacist music forum, and spreading love and laughter by making fun of Jews and Asians.

I first saw this music video on Easter Sunday at church. It was projected on a large screen at the front of the sanctuary by that week's speaker in order to prepare us for his sermon by killing as many of our brain-cells as possible. Needless to say, this music video has officially made it onto The Cynic Sage's Official List of Worst Things for the following reasons:

  1. It has the whitest Jesus I have ever seen (in the first shot of him he appears practically blond). I swear to you, this Jesus is so lily-white that John the Baptist must've had him soaking in bleach before he baptized him.
  2. The guy Ted Haggard cheated on his wife with looks alot less gay than Michael W. Smith does in this video. Here, I'll prove it:

  3. Upbeat 80's music. Now, I love upbeat 80's music as much as the next guy that has Ray Parker's "Ghostbusters" on his mp3-player's main playlist (heck, I think the music is rather catchy) but I think it's just a weeeeeeee bit out of place in a montage depicting the actions of an itinerant preacher living in 1st century Palestine. Seriously, the music in this video gave me the impression that Jesus had entered a karate tournament before he ascended to heaven.
  4. Not only do we hear 80's music while seeing footage of Jesus teaching in the temple, healing the sick, and raising the dead. Oh no, the music track continues in it's high-action, upbeat-tempo through Christ's Passion. That's right folks, you get to see a man get whipped, flogged, and crucified while 80's music plays in the background! I felt sick to my stomach, and keep in mind I was able to keep down a small bag of popcorn, a box of junior mints, and a large Mountain Dew while watching Mel Gibson's The Passion without any nausea. It's like that scene in Slither where the alien/mutant Grant Grant lays his eggs inside a woman while country-music plays in the background (although it does makes sense what with country-music being the auditory equivalent of rape*), which also made it onto The Cynic Sage's Official List of Worst Things.
Now if you'll excuse me. I have some memories that need repressing.


*It has come to my attention that there are those of you are offended by my comparing of rape to country-music. After much thought, I felt my conscience tell me that what I had said was both hurtful and wrong. So to all those out there who have been forced to listen to country music while carpooling to work, I'm sorry. Having to listen to country-music is more like being sodomized with a chainsaw than anything else.

1 comment:

Generic Cialis said...

John the Baptist must've had him soaking in bleach before he baptized him. That is the funniest thing I've read in a while, but you are right, I've never liked Jesus to look so pale, he was not at all like that.