Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Things I Learned From Christian Comics: There's a New World Coming - or - It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Nauseous

Well, a few weeks back I saw Transformers. It was pretty good movie. Lot's of action. But it got me thinking: "How long do we have left?" What with the world as it is today with wars in the middle-east, global warming, and Wikipedia vandalism the very thought of extraterrestrial sentient machines descending from the heavens to attack our military, help us with our love-lives, and urinate on men in suits is seeming less and less unlikely as the days go by.

I had read the first and second Left Behind books when I was younger and had thought of revisiting them after getting back form the theater. Then I remembered that vomiting too much causes my chest to hurt, so instead I read Fred Clark's summary-reviews.

I also rummaged through my Dad's old books and found some stuff by Hal Lindsey. Now, for you don't know who Hal Lindsey is, he's the guy who wrote a bunch of books on Biblical Prophecy in the 70's which were eventually read by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins and made them go "Pfft! Yeah right!". Very interesting stuff Hal wrote. Did you know that Jesus was going to return in the 1980's, but we had to mess things up by not having a nuclear war (way to ruin things, Reagan. First AIDS and now this)?

I also discovered that Hal Lindsey worked with our good buddy Al Hartley, on a Christian comic-book titled: There's a New World Coming.

And reading it, I learned some things:

  • Not only do the Gideons place Bibles in hotel-room nightstands, they also coat some of the pages with LSD.

  • While St John the Apostle was living under house arrest on the Isle of Patmos, he wrote his Revelation in cursive English script, and was also sure to include number designations of chapter and verse.

  • Visually, God's outline of history is rather poorly designed. What with the loud, garish colors and the "7 years" and "1000 years" both being represented as being the same length on the graph. But this is forgivable, as God put this together in the days before Powerpoint and Microsoft Excel (sometime between 1909 and the 1970's).

  • At the Rapture, God will take-up all the young, good-looking Christians to himself, his fat, ugly, and elderly followers will be LEFT BEHIND!

  • Ladies, with all the conflict in the middle-east happening today, maybe now is a good time to lose that weight and perhaps go in for that botox-injection, perhaps even a boob-job to be on the safe side. Need I remind you that your eternal soul hangs in the balance.

  • Hal Lindsey is to Stephen Hawking what Kent Hovind is to Stephen Jay Gould.
  • "God is Gluon, and his worshipers must worship him in protons and neutrons." John Harris 4:24.

(Click image to enlarge)
  • The Bible specifically mentions things like America, China, the common market nations, and "alternatives to marriage" college courses.

  • The Antichrist shall emerge from Texas.

  • The Common Market Nations qualifies as a revived Roman empire more than, let's say, a Superpower that uses Rome's symbols and has a system of government somewhat based on that of Rome's.
  • Note to Supervillians: If you ever want to take over the world, try to become the head of an organization that doesn't actually possess it's own military.

  • Jesus actually mentions "outer space" in Luke 21:10,11.
  • Fireworks qualify as "fearful sights and great signs".

  • "The Jews are God's chosen race" with Asians coming in 2nd and Whites and Blacks in a tie for 3rd.

  • The Bible has something in common with top-rated Hollywood sitcoms and California's thriving porn-industry.
  • "The Jews preserved the Bible for all mankind" using hot-towels and colorful, vase-shaped plastic thermoses.

  • Rev 12: 1-6 is the only passage in the book of Revelation to be interpreted symbolically as something the people it was written to would have understood it to be.

  • While the Antichrist is in power and actively persecuting Christians with his far-reaching political, economic, and military might, the 14,000 Jewish-witnesses will be able to broadcast tv-shows from well-decorated studios while wearing fancy suits and expensive haircuts. They will most likely accomplish this through the use of their Jew gold.

  • Murder, drug-related occult activities, people acting immorally, and thievery are signs of that the Great Tribulation is coming soon, as none of these things have existed throughout the history of the human race and have only started to appear recently.
  • People today use drugs more for occult purposes than to achieve the secular goal of getting high.

  • Al Hartley's knowledge of occult symbolism comes from 1950's horror comics and Jim Henson films.

  • Mystery Babylon, for a prostitute, dresses rather modestly and doesn't wear much makeup. In fact, she looks a lot like a girl I attended High-School with.

  • There are few things in life that are more beautiful than a dead hooker.

  • Rev 9: 9, 10 can be interpreted as referring to helicopters, but it can't be that as there are some parts of the passage that can only fit some kind of soldier covered in an exoskeleton of metal. Unless...

  • When Jesus returns to earth, he will become a lounge singer (albeit not a very popular one).

  • After the Thousand years of peace, God will release Satan from his prison to go out and influence humans to do evil. God will do this to teach us that our sin isn't caused by outside influence, like Satan tempting us.

  • While trapped in "the Pit", the devil won't spend much of his time planning what to when he gets out (as he will be more concerned with things like avoiding the Super-Devil in the showers), resulting in him throwing together something at the last minute involving a spider-web, a pair of wax lips, a giant martini, a syringe without a plunger, two pill bottles, a near-empty jar of pickled eggs, some confetti, a large pamphlet published in the 60's, and what appears to be a giant smoldering turd.
  • When Spider-Man teams up with Satan, it will then become clear to everyone that Iron Man was right all along, bringing and end to Marvel's Civil War series.

  • The only way the Apostle Peter (who lived in an age where metalworking was practiced and heat was used to refine metal by burning away impurities) could use the terms "heat", and "the elements" being "disintegrated" with regards to divine judgment would have to be in the context of literal modern-day nuclear bombs.

Well, right now I bet you're asking "Cynic, how do you think the world will end?" Well, I don't really have the time right now to write down my eschatological views, so I'll just say that it involves zombies, dogs and cats living together, and a fourth Spider-Man movie.

However, this video sums up rather nicely how I believe Armageddon will come to pass, it's even based on a much more contextual study of the book of Revelation and serious examination of current events than anything written by Hal Lindsey or Tim LaHaye.



Geds said...

Um, Sam Raimi is currently working on Spider-Man 4...

What's worse, he's in pre-production of a remake of Evil Dead. THAT is the prime sign of the apocalypse right there.

The Cynic Sage said...

Oh Shi-

Geds said...

Yeah, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, there...

Anonymous said...

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just shake my head in amazement. Or maybe just squint real hard while trying to remember why I don't know where my copy of this creaky old comic is. Thanks so much for letting me read it again; it's so quaintly delusional, but seeing it again reminds me of how amazed I was that, even though it seemed like that stuff was happening around me already, I hadn't been raptured. (And just think of how safe the '70s seem from here.) Still, I wonder...if I hadn't been living in an environment where the people I trusted acted as if it was real, would I have been able to see it for the artfully hollow propaganda that it was? Would I have listened if someone pointed out the logical inconsistencies? Not a chance. My trust was in Gawd. How do we break people out of that? I can't rescue myself any earlier, but I know people who are still there. *sigh*