Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Things I Learned From Christian Comics: There's a New World Coming - or - It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Nauseous

Well, a few weeks back I saw Transformers. It was pretty good movie. Lot's of action. But it got me thinking: "How long do we have left?" What with the world as it is today with wars in the middle-east, global warming, and Wikipedia vandalism the very thought of extraterrestrial sentient machines descending from the heavens to attack our military, help us with our love-lives, and urinate on men in suits is seeming less and less unlikely as the days go by.

I had read the first and second Left Behind books when I was younger and had thought of revisiting them after getting back form the theater. Then I remembered that vomiting too much causes my chest to hurt, so instead I read Fred Clark's summary-reviews.

I also rummaged through my Dad's old books and found some stuff by Hal Lindsey. Now, for you don't know who Hal Lindsey is, he's the guy who wrote a bunch of books on Biblical Prophecy in the 70's which were eventually read by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins and made them go "Pfft! Yeah right!". Very interesting stuff Hal wrote. Did you know that Jesus was going to return in the 1980's, but we had to mess things up by not having a nuclear war (way to ruin things, Reagan. First AIDS and now this)?

I also discovered that Hal Lindsey worked with our good buddy Al Hartley, on a Christian comic-book titled: There's a New World Coming.

And reading it, I learned some things:

  • Not only do the Gideons place Bibles in hotel-room nightstands, they also coat some of the pages with LSD.

  • While St John the Apostle was living under house arrest on the Isle of Patmos, he wrote his Revelation in cursive English script, and was also sure to include number designations of chapter and verse.

  • Visually, God's outline of history is rather poorly designed. What with the loud, garish colors and the "7 years" and "1000 years" both being represented as being the same length on the graph. But this is forgivable, as God put this together in the days before Powerpoint and Microsoft Excel (sometime between 1909 and the 1970's).

  • At the Rapture, God will take-up all the young, good-looking Christians to himself, his fat, ugly, and elderly followers will be LEFT BEHIND!

  • Ladies, with all the conflict in the middle-east happening today, maybe now is a good time to lose that weight and perhaps go in for that botox-injection, perhaps even a boob-job to be on the safe side. Need I remind you that your eternal soul hangs in the balance.

  • Hal Lindsey is to Stephen Hawking what Kent Hovind is to Stephen Jay Gould.
  • "God is Gluon, and his worshipers must worship him in protons and neutrons." John Harris 4:24.

(Click image to enlarge)
  • The Bible specifically mentions things like America, China, the common market nations, and "alternatives to marriage" college courses.

  • The Antichrist shall emerge from Texas.

  • The Common Market Nations qualifies as a revived Roman empire more than, let's say, a Superpower that uses Rome's symbols and has a system of government somewhat based on that of Rome's.
  • Note to Supervillians: If you ever want to take over the world, try to become the head of an organization that doesn't actually possess it's own military.

  • Jesus actually mentions "outer space" in Luke 21:10,11.
  • Fireworks qualify as "fearful sights and great signs".

  • "The Jews are God's chosen race" with Asians coming in 2nd and Whites and Blacks in a tie for 3rd.

  • The Bible has something in common with top-rated Hollywood sitcoms and California's thriving porn-industry.
  • "The Jews preserved the Bible for all mankind" using hot-towels and colorful, vase-shaped plastic thermoses.

  • Rev 12: 1-6 is the only passage in the book of Revelation to be interpreted symbolically as something the people it was written to would have understood it to be.

  • While the Antichrist is in power and actively persecuting Christians with his far-reaching political, economic, and military might, the 14,000 Jewish-witnesses will be able to broadcast tv-shows from well-decorated studios while wearing fancy suits and expensive haircuts. They will most likely accomplish this through the use of their Jew gold.

  • Murder, drug-related occult activities, people acting immorally, and thievery are signs of that the Great Tribulation is coming soon, as none of these things have existed throughout the history of the human race and have only started to appear recently.
  • People today use drugs more for occult purposes than to achieve the secular goal of getting high.

  • Al Hartley's knowledge of occult symbolism comes from 1950's horror comics and Jim Henson films.

  • Mystery Babylon, for a prostitute, dresses rather modestly and doesn't wear much makeup. In fact, she looks a lot like a girl I attended High-School with.

  • There are few things in life that are more beautiful than a dead hooker.

  • Rev 9: 9, 10 can be interpreted as referring to helicopters, but it can't be that as there are some parts of the passage that can only fit some kind of soldier covered in an exoskeleton of metal. Unless...

  • When Jesus returns to earth, he will become a lounge singer (albeit not a very popular one).

  • After the Thousand years of peace, God will release Satan from his prison to go out and influence humans to do evil. God will do this to teach us that our sin isn't caused by outside influence, like Satan tempting us.

  • While trapped in "the Pit", the devil won't spend much of his time planning what to when he gets out (as he will be more concerned with things like avoiding the Super-Devil in the showers), resulting in him throwing together something at the last minute involving a spider-web, a pair of wax lips, a giant martini, a syringe without a plunger, two pill bottles, a near-empty jar of pickled eggs, some confetti, a large pamphlet published in the 60's, and what appears to be a giant smoldering turd.
  • When Spider-Man teams up with Satan, it will then become clear to everyone that Iron Man was right all along, bringing and end to Marvel's Civil War series.

  • The only way the Apostle Peter (who lived in an age where metalworking was practiced and heat was used to refine metal by burning away impurities) could use the terms "heat", and "the elements" being "disintegrated" with regards to divine judgment would have to be in the context of literal modern-day nuclear bombs.

Well, right now I bet you're asking "Cynic, how do you think the world will end?" Well, I don't really have the time right now to write down my eschatological views, so I'll just say that it involves zombies, dogs and cats living together, and a fourth Spider-Man movie.

However, this video sums up rather nicely how I believe Armageddon will come to pass, it's even based on a much more contextual study of the book of Revelation and serious examination of current events than anything written by Hal Lindsey or Tim LaHaye.


Saturday, July 14, 2007

Sorry for the Delay

Good shit is happening to me this weekend. Tomorrow some friends and I are heading down to get our geek on and see the new Transformers movie.

Next week I'll be going through a bit of a move, so I don't think I'll be able to post that much during the next week. And I might have to go-back to dial-up.

But stay tuned, I got two other entries in the works; one for Every Man's Battle and another for Things I've Learned from Christian Comics.

Nevertheless, in order to make up for next week's delay, here's something to entertain you for the next 4 minutes.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Funny Clips from Ron Jeremy-Craig Gross Porn Debate

If the threat of "horrible James Dobson tapes" doesn't keep you away from porn, you're pretty much a lost cause.

In my opinion, Craig Gross is one of the few people affiliated the "purity" movement that isn't a giant douche. He cares about people and has a sense of humor. I mean, you know he doesn't take himself too seriously when you look at "Pete the Porno Puppet". He takes what he does seriously, but not himself.

And that's what makes him the Anti-Stoeker.

(Special thanks to Shiznaz for uploading the vid to youtube).

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

This Blog is Rated...

Free Online Dating

Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

  • abortion (18x)
  • death (6x)
  • hell (5x)
  • sex (4x)
  • dangerous (1x)

Wow. I really think I would've gotten only an "R" if it weren't for "Super Happy Fun Abortion Time". Weird thing is that I used the word "bitch" in that entry and the machine didn't pick it up.

And how the hell is does using the word "dangerous" increase my rating?

(Special thanks to Slacktivist).

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Super Happy Fun Abortion Time!

I have been meaning to write something on this earlier, so it's probably old news now. But here it is anyway:

May 17, 2007
Dear Friends of Paul Hill,
After much discussion and prayer, Drew Heiss and I are announcing an event to honor Paul Hill on the 13th anniversary of his actions in defense of preborn babies in Pensacola. Memorial events will be held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to honor him as God’s man and our hero.

Paul Hill Days
July 26th – 29th of 2007
Why Milwaukee? Why not? There are people here who recognize Paul Hill as a hero, and we would love to welcome others from around the country who share our belief. Hopefully, in the future, others will host events in their cities.
Planned events include:
  • Activities at our two remaining killing centers
  • Literature distribution
  • Ministry at the Federal Courthouse
  • Reenactment of 7-29-1994
  • Paul Hill March
  • Ministry at other public forums
If you are interested in participating, please email me at George@ChildrenNeedHeroes.com
or call me at
(920) 918-4550
Please let us know if you would like host housing or motel reservations.
Currently, this event is being sponsored by Children Need Heroes, StreetPreach, and Paul Hill Memorial. If you would like your organization to be a co-sponsor of this event, please let us know.
Please feel free to forward this e-mail on to others who might share our admiration for Paul Hill and his act of love and mercy.
We hope to see you in Milwaukee in July!
For Jesus and His Precious Little Ones,
George L. Wilson
Paul Hill Days
July 26th – 29th of 2007
Milwaukee, WI
“…what indignation, what alarm,
what longing, what concern,
what readiness to see justice done.”
From II Corinthians 7:11
On July 29th, 1994, Paul Hill boldly defended 31 babies from unspeakable violence by killing a paid assassin and his bodyguard. He was arrested, given a sham trial, and executed as a martyr. On the 13th anniversary of Paul Hill’s act of love and mercy, memorial events will be held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to honor him as God’s man and our hero.

Now, this is somewhat old news, but all I gotta say is it's about time. Our godless, pagan society will occasionally lift up people onto their shoulders as heroes. We hear about little-guys takin' on The Man, scientists curing diseases, and firemen saving lives, but guys like Paul Hill are sadly overlooked. After all, it takes a certain kind of free-spirited nonconformity for someone a guy like him to break free from the "pro-life" cookie-cutter mold and go out killing people. Just look at his face. Doesn't that smile say to you "I did what I knew was right"? (Well, to me it actually says "I am descended from generations upon generations of incestuous households, and I myself was conceived in anal-intercourse" but that's not important, what matters it what it says to you).

Just look at what Paul Hill achieved for the pro-life movement: He eliminated the life of a man who performed abortions (leaving a void easily filled by another abortionist) thereby giving those who oppose abortion as a means of birth control a bad reputation and hurting their efforts. Not to mention that said doctor, even though killing the unborn, thought of by himself and others as helping women, so his murder by an anti-abortionist would push middle-of-the-roaders to the pro-abortion side. Quite the hero indeed, and in honor of such a hero, I bring you a double feature of Things I Learned From Christian Comics.

First off: Who Killed Junior. A Pro-Life tract put out by Right to Life in the early days of Roe vs. Wade:

  • Amniotic fluid is a myth...

  • ... and the umbilical cord is a dotted line. You see, this is the kind of detailed information about the human reproductive system that you can only get with abstinence-only sex-education.

  • At three months, the fetus can comprehend English enough for it to react to hearing its mother discussing abortion with her doctor. If you happen to be a fetus in this kind of situation, it is recommended that you attempt to fake your death. Perhaps planting a fake diary to shake them off your trail and guilt-trip the bitch.

  • Abortion is a serious and controversial issue, and we must be very careful not to LOL T3H F3TUS IS GETTIN SUX0RRED UOP BY TEH VACUUM ROFL LMAO!!!!!101010... XD Great, now thanks to this pamphlet I can't look at a photo of an aborted fetus without giggling. >:(

  • Professional, licensed abortionists perform abortions with switchblades. They gonna abort you so bad, you gonna wish they no abort you so bad.

  • An abortion is not like a tonsil operation, as tonsil operations don't involve miniature cocktail swords.

  • If you want to try to convince a pregnant teenager to keep her baby, be sure to tell her that women that lived in the agrarian collectivist family-oriented society of the ancient near-east (where having as many children as possible ensured not only survival, but also an increase in status for the woman and her household) viewed lack of children as a curse, and therefore so should she, as an underprivileged eighth-grade girl growing up on welfare in the inner-city.

The next comic isn't exactly a Christian one, as I thought it wouldn't really be fair to present only one side of the coin, so for our second installment we have Abortion Eve, a wonderful piece by Chin Lyvely and Joyce Sutton that proudly declares that Choice is a right that belongs to all women...

...as well as mummified gorillas, Jewish cross-dressers with jaundice, and melting wax dummies. Let's get started, shall we:

  • Anti-Choice propaganda improperly portrays women that seek abortions as scared and confused single young women that may either be victims of sexual abuse or the circumstance of a broken condom. In real life quite a few of them are lazy selfish sluts too strung-out on drugs to remember to take their birth-control pills.

  • Transsexuals can get pregnant.

  • A good way to answer questions of the morality of abortion is to be vague as possible ("maybe it's wrong to kill, I don't know"), bring up that Catholic priests don't raise kids, and to ask the other person if they have ever lived in a barrio. This is the key to engaging in calm, rational discourse surrounding controversial subjects like abortion.
  • Catholic women that grew up in the Barrio will occasionally string together stale Pringles in order to create a makeshift rosary.

  • The possibility that the fetus growing inside a her will eventually become a person that will have a very positive impact on the world around him should not be used to pressure a victim of an unplanned pregnancy to keep her baby. However, the possibility that the unplanned pregnancy will result in a child that will become "bad" is a very effective argument for abortion.
  • If you yourself are the victim of an unplanned pregnancy, keep in mind that if you keep the child, there is a strong risk that it will drink bleach to try to get you to love it. Then you will have the BLOOD of an INNOCENT CHILD on your HANDS! All because you decided not to have an abortion.

  • A pelvic exam is when the doctor examines your "inside" female parts with his hands and a medical instrument. A cross between a walnut-cracker and a grip-excerciser which I have affectionately dubbed: "the vagina-duck".

  • Dude. Having an abortion is, like, a totally groovy trip, man. Really far-out. Y'know what I'm sayin'?

  • I think my dentist actually uses something like this to clean my teeth.

  • It's normal for people who have actually witnessed abortions taking place to smile when recalling them.

  • The Church opposes abortion because they don't take into account that women are people too. It has absolutely nothing to do with holding an ethic that values human life even in it's earliest stages since the days of the early church, when Christians would care for disfigured children abandoned by pagan Greeks and Romans.

  • There is nothing more empowering for a woman than to stick out her thumb on the side of the road and turn down people that offer her a lift. It's right up there with "getting a part-time job for extra spending money".

  • Waiting is the worst part of abortion, as opposed to making your way past the violent protesters, the rift between you and your pro-life friends and family when they find out, and the guilt and confusion brought on by the mixed messages women often receive from society. Yup, waiting is hell.

  • An abortion for a woman is just like a tonsillectomy for a kid. You get to keep what the doctor removed in a jar that you can show all your friends. Not to mention that after the operation you can insert into your uterus all the ice-cream you want.
  • Interfere with a woman's right to choose and they can get mad enough to punch through their own speech bubble.
  • Groups that often interfere with a woman's right to an abortion often include judges, lawyers, clergy, and a council of Wizards.

  • Theological issues surrounding abortion are often quite simple, and are remarkably easy to resolve.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk in the Spirit

Something weird happened to me Tuesday last week. I was going to look visit the landlady of a place I was looking to rent in the city, and my mother's friend and her husband had offered me a lift there and back.

Well, on the way back, a conversation sprung up on the subject of religion (always a wonderful subject to bring up to get off on the right foot with a person you barely know, right up there with politics and abortion) and I dropped the bomb that I was writing a critical review series of the book Every Man's Battle for my blog, going into things like New Life's expensive "learn-how-to-stop-masturbating" workshops, the authors' either lack-of or not being up-front with their credentials, and that their books are mostly filler. I hadn't yet mentioned their marketing of their action/adventure-novels as part of their series of self-help books (I admit it, I was going off on a rant, I think would've been wiser not to bring up the subject of EMB at all) when the driver set me straight.

I was humbled and learned some things from this man's God-given wisdom (I know it was "God-given" because he told me his wisdom was "God-given" as opposed to what he said was my "carnal" stuff):

  • First off, I should have prepared well in advance for that unplanned conversation by comparing the rates charged by actual qualified psychiatrists and psychologists for counseling sessions dealing with actual porn addictions with the rate charged to attend a workshop (it has changed from S1,800 for a five-day workshop to $1,700 for a three-day workshop) that's put out by a radio-show host that won't tell us what exactly his credentials are and a guy with severe father issues that tells that the all alternatives to platonic wet-dreams available to single guys result in "spiritual death".
  • Fred and Steve have good hearts "and God looks at the heart", as opposed to -let's say- results. Results like teenage boys literally hating their bodies as they go through their sexual peak at age sixteen, and men who have killed other men going to their army chaplains seeking peace for their souls and being told that masturbating "harms you spiritually"and even "hurts others".
  • The high price of the workshop is actually part of the success of the program, as a high financial investment provides an incentive for a man to "stay pure". They might even "be charging too little" (he actually said this).
  • Mainstream secular peer-reviewed psychiatrists and psychologists don't care about helping people with actual sex-addiction (as that they don't define "sex-addiction" as "not tearing the skin-moisturizer ads out of an issue of Reader's Digest and burning them before reading it") and are "unregenerate". And, might I myself add, many of them are also Batman villains.
  • Man has three parts: Body, Mind, and Spirit (he showed this to me by raising three fingers in the air and raising his voice). Sex-addiction is a spiritual problem and therefore requires a spiritual solution. And nothing is more spiritual than excessive use of football metaphors, false analogies to war, and the occasional Star-Trek reference.
But that wasn't it, oh no, not at all. The driver told me that he has "a prophetic gift of discernment" and that he could tell that I had a demonic "spirit of criticism". He then proceeded to say something that sounded a lot like this.

Needless to say, I thought I had misheard him. I asked him what he said and he said this:

"If you walked in the Spirit, you would've been able to understand that. That was a spiritual tongue."

Now, for me, suppressing laughter is a lot like trying to keep your eyes open while you sneeze. It just can't be done. So I laughed. And in response to that, this is what he did while he was driving down the highway:

He turned his head around to face me (I was in the backseat on the opposite side), took both his hands off the steering-wheel, placed them on top of his head, and said something along the lines of "I lay claim to the blood of Jesus on me, you and everyone in this car, and with it bind these spirits and cast them out!"

Paul may have said that we are to "live by faith, not by sight", but I don't think he was referring to highway safety in his letter to the Corinthians.

"WHEELWHEELWHEEL!" I stated in a calm and collected manner.

So he and the other people in the car start to pray out loud (thankfully, he kept his eyes open). I prayed too, although my prayer was silent and was more along the lines of "O God, please protect the crazy-man's car and all who dwell within the crazy-man's car. And if perhaps it is part of your divine and perfect plan that this is the way I enter your loving embrace, then please change your divine and perfect plan."

I didn't want to escalate things, so I kept my mouth shut, looking straight ahead, eyes glancing over to the steering wheel every three seconds. Then he said to me "I noticed you haven't said anything in a while."

He had to say that, in the way he did too. I can't really describe it in words, but it struck something in me. That weird thing that makes it harder for me to lie when truth ticks people off, not always, but at those specific times.

I was in the middle of replying with: "I thought it would be best to keep my mouth shut or else there would be more of the weird crazy-talking." But he interrupted me at the end of "I thought it would be best to keep my mouth shut..."

"Now that's the real you." He said, "Wait, what was that?"

"I said: 'I thought it would be best to keep my mouth shut or else there would be more of the weird crazy-talking.'"

"That's not you, that's a Spirit of Mockery."

Yes, that's right folks. The "Holy Spirit" had to correct itself because it misheard me.

I pointed this out to the guy (perhaps another bad move pulls over to the side of the road, gets out of the car, opens the door on my side, leans over me, and stares into my eyes. Yes, it was that creepy. Not just that, but this guy is tall. He's freaking HUGE.

"You need to make a change." He says. Apparently I need to accept Jesus as my PLAS (Personal Lord And Savior) again, allowing the Holy Spirit (the one that Mr Tall here has, the one that needs to correct itself occasionally when it mishears things) to finally enter me (third time's the charm) and transform me into the kind of person Christ wants me to be (a guy who won't say anything bad about a book Mr. Tall happens to like).

This guy's eyes scared me shitless, so I was stuttering and humored him the best I could without lying. He got back into the drivers seat and we all went home. Weird huh? I bet somewhere out there he's leading a bible-study and sharing an inspirational story about the time when he cast some demons out of a rebellious youth. I wonder how many souls he'll win with it.

Thankfully, this guy's kids have grown up, and are too big to fit in a microwave.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

A Whining Combination

The adorable cuteness of infants with the hate-filled repulsiveness of white-supremacy. Does anything go together better than these?